Today I Am Sloth. With Chocolate. And Wine

Three legged Lupie

Today…

I am Sloth.

I am walking with three legs, though one barely moves, and one is metallic.

I dress in grey clothes unsuitable for public eyes.I soak in their warmth and lack of expectations.

I am lupie, as only other Lupies would understand.

I do not welcome Lupus, yet it insists on staying like the smelly squatter on the couch who just.will.NOT.go. No matter how many hints I leave.

I am sad, depressed, but not in the darkness of the past. Just dealing with a day that is best forgotten.

I am hormonal. This was not a good time for a monthly visitor to join the frequent flyer on the couch!

I am not myself. I am no one today. I am just… in limbo, waiting for less pain. Less, just less.

I have a high pain threshold after so many years, but today I am crying. It is too much. I am battle-weary.

I am dark chocolate with sea salt and red wine. It makes things more… bearable.

I have a long To-Do list, but my brain and body yell, “no!”

I am full of self-pity. I do not like to be. I think sometimes it is necessary.

I feel I am achieving nil. I feel disheartened. I write to remind myself of the year to date. The effort exhausts me.

I am reminiscing of a life before lupus. But do I remember? Did I have one at all?

I ask myself permission to stop. To do nothing, to rest. I readily agree. Today my brain offers no arguments.

I am not brave. I am a coward today. I fear. I cry. I question.

I dream of travelling again to faraway lands. I wonder if I ever will.

I lay. I do not sleep. I toss, I turn, I hug my iPad and its connection to The World.

I speak on the phone to a friend, but his words confuse me. My brain has no reception. Too much interference.

I am not writing the post I thought I would. Instead I am massaging my body with key strokes, quick, but gentle. Always gently.

I wait for my love to come home. To fill the house with light for I have none. But he is also tired.

I close today with hope that tomorrow brings more light. More, just more.

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About Raw Once More

Recovering workaholic chronically ill perfectionist starting all over again (again!). After a crazy life (including running away with the circus), I'm learning to stay still and journeying towards health, happiness, and wholeness, by nourishing myself and the Earth. Interested in frugality, simplicity, creativity, sustainability, myo/diy, and living healthily with autoimmune disease.

Posted on June 1, 2013, in Living With Autoimmune Conditions, Relax! and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. I have that cane in purple!!!! I know this isn’t the point, but I have the same one! I hate that damned thing. I mean REALLY hate it. It is my nemesis. <—– Twice operated on hip, about to be replaced, jerk-o Hip.

    Your light will come. Feel better. 🙂

    • I wish mine was purple! I think the horrible hospital standard issue makes it worse! Thanks for your thoughts. Today is a much better day! By the by, my 18 year old niece just had a hip replacement. When’s yours?

      • I dunno. They are so apprehensive about doing it. I have had an UN-repareable tear in my labrum for like 6 years. We are trying adding cartilage this time around. 8 weeks no weight bearing… Just REPLACE the damned thing. This is the worst part of my life. The pain I am in over this. No pain meds, no rehabbing, no nothing. FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        PS you can get a kick ass cane from CVS or Walgreens for under 20 dollars. If you are going to limp, do it in style. 😉 That has been my motto. And my nickname may or may not be limp biskit.

        • Oh God, sounds horrible. My niece’s situation was the same- needed it for years and they just kept doing half-ass patch up jobs. I hope you get some relief soon! No pain meds? Are you crazy? Or are they crazy? I’ve always resisted getting a better cane because I keep convincing myself it’s temporary and the uglier it is the more I’ll work hard to get off it. Dumb huh? Anyway, I’m now finally ready to embrace my long term limpiness and shall soon invest in a rockin purple one! I love your nickname 😉 xo

          • Well, I was on pain meds. Prior to my first surgery a lot of pain meds. After the 2nd surgery I decided I wasn’t going to take them anymore. It was absolute monthly humiliation trying to get them from my pharmacy each month. There are days like today I would love to get rid of this pain, or at least chip the severeness (Is that a word?!?!) just a little. But, I just deal…

            Purple cane, Pictures or it didn’t happen!!!!!

            Btw, how is she doing after the replacement? My doctors have made it seem like I will be in Physical Therapy for years….

            • Ahhhh! Yeah, it does suck at the pharmacy, but I think it’s all a lot easier here. I couldn’t believe it was impossible to get codeine when I was touring. Yeah, I understand chip the severity. Mine never disappears, but it’s nice to make some of it duller at least. I’m searching for the cane! No Walmarts here and my local pharmacies don’t have one. But I’m still looking! There’ll be piccies when I find it 😉
              My niece is fine. Had some complications for about a week after, but that was due to pinched nerves basically, and medication reactions. She’s no on her feet all the time working as a baker, and driving etc as normal. The surgery was about 2 months ago! She had the ceramic replacement.

  1. Pingback: Sorries, Sorrows, and Shaking It Off | Raw Once More

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