Running away seems to be a survival instinct for me. I’m feisty, but when it comes down to the choice of fight or flight, I’m cashing in my frequent flyer points and getting the hell out of wherever. So I’ve been away for a while because I’ve been on the run again. Not literally; I didn’t actually go anywhere, but a section of my brain (officially named The Blog Cortex), packed its bags and hoofed it. I’ve attempted to come back a few times, but discovered The Blog Cortex was only interested in phoning it in from an area with dodgy reception. But today, its back, the bags are unpacked, and the shiny distractions have all been put away.
I think the initial trigger for my vacay from blog land was politics. Australia is in an election year, and quite honestly it’s depressing. That I do mean literally. It’s actually made it hard for me to get up sometimes (hello black dog, my old friend). I’m a deeply political person. I believe in human rights, caring for the environment, compassion, equal access to services etc. You might rightly get the sense I’m a bit left-wing. So political causes, I’m on board with. But I hate politics. Perhaps that’s not strong enough. I detest politics. In Australia at least, our current political landscape consists of posers and bullies, often within the same person. It’s a whole lot of arguing about nothing, calling each other names, clichés, and meaningless diatribe, no policies, and punishing our most vulnerable people in the name of political point scoring. Oh, and senseless bribery. Let’s not forget buying people’s votes with nonsensical incentives. Our politics is sexist, racist, ageist, homophobic, xenophobic and every other form of prejudice you can think of. And at times, downright idiotic. So I hate election years, witnessing billions of dollars are spent achieving nothing but some ego stroking and catchphrase generating.
At the time The Blog Cortex ran for the hills, our then Prime Minister Julia Gillard, was copping a battering from the opposition and her own party for, well, being female. She was then ousted by our Former Prime Minister (who she had ousted earlier), the election was recalled, and the idiocy continued. It was too much. I’m a political person, but I have always wanted this blog to be apolitical. I am known to have the odd rant about politics, but this blog is intended as a sacred, idiot-politician-free zone. But I became so surrounded by idiocy, and so completely and utterly pissed off and depressed by it all, that I couldn’t continue to write about other things when all I wanted to do was scream at these dickheads ruining my country. So The Blog Cortex ran. And kept running.
Then being away from here became a kind of blessing. I decided to take the time out to refocus on why I was here in the first place. What did I want? Why was I blogging? And why, as a self-confessed recovering perfectionist, did I still find fronting up to the page and spewing out my imperfections so scary? I had started to feel inadequate, comparing myself to people who have been blogging for years, and becoming terrified I was just copying every other blogger out there. What was the point of blogging if I wasn’t being original? Except I was. I’ve always written authentically. My blogging voice is still finding and defining itself, but it has been my voice on the page every time. I care about health, the environment, living simply, and ‘finding myself’. So do many other bloggers, so it’s inevitable I’ll write about the same topics as them now and then. But getting it into my head that this was ok was a bit tricky. That it’s ok to be imperfect. That it’s ok to be a beginner. I’ve always felt this need to be the best at everything I do, and being a beginner at things has always been more challenging for me because of it. So I took a bit of time to get the hell over myself, and just be me. The real me, not the perfect me. Read the rest of this entry
So, today was a new day. I imposed an end to my day of sloth and self-pity, although it’s possible that wine and chocolate are still featuring in my evening. I feel the need to apologise to you for yesterday’s post. For my expression of my weakness, exhaustion, my admission that sometimes it’s just all too much. But I’m not going to.
You see, I’ve spent most of my life sick and in pain. I’ve also spent most of my life pretending I’m not. Hiding the pain. Performing on stage and running off after the bow to throw up and collapse. Both in my work on the stage, and in my real life: my acting career didn’t pause when I left work. When people have caught me out, when I’ve been upfront about my illnesses, when someone’s suspected something, I’ve laughed. I’ve assured them it sounds, or looks, worse than it is. I’ve let them believe my illness was more a formality than anything else, I wore it like a badge of honour, but quickly assured I was still completely capable of anything, everything, life throws at me. And for the most part I have been. I made myself be. I’m stubborn. I’ve excelled and succeeded in areas that ‘healthy’ people would struggle to. Even if that meant making my husband carry me into my office and place me upright behind my desk and hover close by for when I needed him to do something physical for me, like answer the phone, or pick me up off the floor.
And in those rare moments when I’ve been completely caught out, when I couldn’t hide it, when the cane came out, when I had to take time off, when someone saw my crying, or wobbling, or collapsing, I apologised. I was so sorry for making a big deal of it. I was sorry for causing anyone inconvenience. I was so sorry for people seeing me like that. I was sorry for my weakness, my exhaustion, causing a scene, disturbing the peace, upsetting routine, being ‘abnormal’. Being less than. Being imperfect. Oh how I apologised! Did I need to? Probably not. My perception was always tainted by my own standards of perfection for myself. But then again….
I am Sloth.
I am walking with three legs, though one barely moves, and one is metallic.
I dress in grey clothes unsuitable for public eyes.I soak in their warmth and lack of expectations.
I am lupie, as only other Lupies would understand.
I do not welcome Lupus, yet it insists on staying like the smelly squatter on the couch who just.will.NOT.go. No matter how many hints I leave.
I am sad, depressed, but not in the darkness of the past. Just dealing with a day that is best forgotten.
I am hormonal. This was not a good time for a monthly visitor to join the frequent flyer on the couch!
I am not myself. I am no one today. I am just… in limbo, waiting for less pain. Less, just less.
I have a high pain threshold after so many years, but today I am crying. It is too much. I am battle-weary.
I am dark chocolate with sea salt and red wine. It makes things more… bearable.
I have a long To-Do list, but my brain and body yell, “no!”
I am full of self-pity. I do not like to be. I think sometimes it is necessary.
I feel I am achieving nil. I feel disheartened. I write to remind myself of the year to date. The effort exhausts me.
I am reminiscing of a life before lupus. But do I remember? Did I have one at all?
I ask myself permission to stop. To do nothing, to rest. I readily agree. Today my brain offers no arguments.
I am not brave. I am a coward today. I fear. I cry. I question.
I dream of travelling again to faraway lands. I wonder if I ever will.
I lay. I do not sleep. I toss, I turn, I hug my iPad and its connection to The World.
I speak on the phone to a friend, but his words confuse me. My brain has no reception. Too much interference.
I am not writing the post I thought I would. Instead I am massaging my body with key strokes, quick, but gentle. Always gently.
I wait for my love to come home. To fill the house with light for I have none. But he is also tired.
I close today with hope that tomorrow brings more light. More, just more.
Hello wonderful people! This is a quick note to say I’m probably going to be missing from my web home for a few days. I’ve travelled to a beautiful part of the world to take part in a clay sculpting master class. I’ve gone bush, I’m in the outback. For non-Australians, this means I’m surrounded by forest, dust, kangaroos, wallabies, goannas, and lots of open space and nothingness. The skies are so big out here. No pollution, no lights, just millions of stars at night, and blue skies and fluffy, white clouds in the day. I’m staying in a hand built cottage made of recycled wood and mud bricks, eating at a handmade wooden table, and drinking from handmade terracotta cups. It’s a beautiful, creative, soul-enriching experience. No noise, stars, and my muse.
My mum’s farm is an hour and a half away so I got to spend some time there as well. You might have seen the pictures of her beautiful property on my Instagram feed.
So, between the normal exhaustion of a day of concentrating and sculpting, and the extra complete and utter wipeoutness and pain of all of that plus lupus, sjogrens (and its incredibly dry here! Ouch!), CFS, fibromyalgia and all the rest, I’m absolutely exhausted tonight. I’d hoped to still post while I was away, but I think I may have to cut myself a break, enjoy my time here, rest as much as I can so I can get the most out of my course without having a major flare, and return to the blog in a few days. Oh, and my Internet is very unreliable here.
So, I’ll return soon with lots of stories about my time here reconnecting with the bush and my creativity. I wish you all a wonderful week 🙂